Shepherds
by doctorameliashepherdess
Summary: In the midst of missing Derek one night, Amelia finds herself having a heart to heart with her newborn niece.


Since Amelia Shepherd had been a child, she had been a night owl. Not only had she been apt to stay up late through the night, but she _loved_ that certain time of day. To her, nighttime was the magical time of day where the insane volumes of her childhood home would finally dwindle to nothing. She was finally able to think without having her thoughts interrupted. She would cocoon herself in a mass of blankets and think about everything under the sun- the day she had (whether it be good or bad), the past, the future, her dad, anything.

Living in Derek and Meredith's house reminded her a lot of her childhood home with kids running around, toys cluttered in every room, and even the constant bickering between siblings. This noise, she loved. She loved her nieces, nephew, and all the joy they brought her. Still, though, she always looked forward to the silence of the night. Granted, being a neurosurgeon demanded that she spend less time lying awake in bed and more time sleeping, but she couldn't help her racing mind sometimes. Now, she had so much more to think about…too much.

Amelia turned over to see the glowing numbers 3:16 and groaned at the sight of the time. She knew she had to sleep, but just couldn't get Derek out of her head. Her brother was gone and it just didn't seem real. It couldn't be real. He had a wife, kids, and a baby that he'd never even met. _The baby he never met._ Her sweet, sweet niece who would never have the chance to meet her daddy. It just wasn't fair.

The next thing she knew, Amelia found herself tip-toeing across the dark hall towards the nursery. She softly opened the door and looked into the room. It was a simple nursery- they didn't have too much time to throw everything together after Meredith shocked them with the news. They had the basics- a crib, changing table, and a dresser. The one element of decor in the nursery were the pictures covering the walls. There was one of Zola and Bailey with Ellis, one of Mer holding her in the hospital, one with her and Amelia, and another of her with all her hospital aunts and uncles, but the one that stood out the most was the one of Derek. Meredith had insisted that Ellis needed to know his face.

Amelia walked up to the picture of her brother and laid her hand upon the cool glass covering his image. As she rubbed her thumb across his face, a deep sigh came out from her. It was then that she remembered the newborn in the room with her and turned her head just in time to see the baby start to fuss.

Taking a few steps towards the crib, Amelia reached down to rub Ellis's back. She calmed down for a minute until her aunt's hand left her back, making the real cries come out. Swooping down to pick the baby up, Amelia started cooing.

"Shhh, baby girl. I've got you," Amelia whispered as she brought Ellis to her chest. Bouncing lightly from side to side, she made her way towards the rocking chair and sat down.

The warmth of the baby filled her heart with the joy of the new life, but also made her ache for all that was missing from her life. She was pained by thinking of what her life could have been like if Ryan and their baby were here. Would they have been like the old Meredith and Derek with their beautiful family living out their dreams? That brought her back to thinking of Derek and the reality that he was gone and wouldn't be able to see his beautiful family as they grew. She couldn't help but relate Derek's death to her father's, too. Lately, she'd been feeling just like that five year old girl sitting in the back room of her father's store on that fateful day. This time, though, she didn't have her big brother to hold her tight and keep her safe.

Holding Ellis gave her someone that she could keep comforted and safe. When she held Ellis, she felt content. It wasn't that the pain that plagued magically fled, but somehow it made her feel like everything was going to be okay and that, for a couple seconds, she could breathe again. For Amelia, Ellis was hope.

Putting her feet up on the ottoman in front of her and bending her knees, Amelia pulled the baby away from her chest and rested her onto her thighs so she could see Ellis's face.

"You're definitely a Shepherd, you know, Ellie?" Ellis immediately stared at Amelia with wide eyes as if she were letting her aunt know she was interested in what she was going to say.

"You've got our eyes- those blue eyes that I've been told can be pretty mesmerizing."

"Your Shepherd hair is coming in too, El. It's light right now, but I can see it turning darker. You're in luck- perfect hair runs in our family," Amelia winked as she gently ran her hand over the baby's silky hair.

"You're gonna look just like us Shepherds. And odds are, you'll act like a Shepherd, too, even though I'm not too sure if that's good or bad. I'll tell you something, though. We can be crazy and dysfunctional, but we are also loving, passionate, and strong as heck. Plus, we're pretty smart if you ask me."

"And guess what, sweet pea. Good looking doctors run in the family. You're definitely on the track to that, baby girl. With your superb neurosurgeon of a father and amazing general surgeon of a mother, plus me- your brilliant neurosurgeon of an aunt- I have no doubt that you could change the face of medicine. Not that I'm telling you what to do, because you can do whatever you want and I'll always be behind you one hundred percent. Either way, you're totally gonna get the whole good looking part down, no problem."

Amelia paused for a minute as her brother's memory flooded her mind.

"You know what else Shepherds do? We're there for each other. I know we seem dysfunctional and distant a lot of the time, but we've all been through a lot. We tend to push each other away and be stubborn, but when we need it, someone's always there. For me, it was your daddy. Since I was five years old, we had a special bond- I'll tell you about that when you're older, though. There were times where I didn't want to talk to him and he didn't want to talk to me, but when I did need him, he was right there. He loved me and understood me. At one point, he even saved me." Amelia shared with her niece as a tear rolled down her cheek.

She repositioned Ellis so that she was cradled against her. Looking down at her face, Amelia slightly rocked the baby. _God she missed Derek so much._ Sniffling and wiping her eyes, she continued.

"And I will always be there for you Ellis Shepherd. Like your daddy was there for me, I will be there for you. I will love you no matter what. I will celebrate your triumphs and mourn your mistakes and losses with you. I'll be the "cool aunt" that does fun things with you, as well as the the person you can talk about anything with. I'll be your person."

They sat there in silence for a while with Amelia rocking Ellis and Ellis looking straight up at her aunt until the baby let out a large yawn.

Amelia chuckled. "I guess we've been up a little long, huh, baby girl."

Ellis responded by closing her eyes and cuddling further into her aunt. As her breathing evened out, Amelia slowly got up from the chair and placed the baby into her crib.

"Goodnight, Ellie," she whispered as she leaned over the crib's rail and pressed a kiss to her niece's forehead.

Amelia turned around to leave the nursery, but as she went to close the door behind her, she hitched at the sight of Derek's picture on the wall.

"Goodnight, Derek."


End file.
